Most readers of this blog will have noticed the many posts I credit to The Passive Guy (aka PG) and his excellent, free newsletter, which is chock-full of information regarding the publishing industry.
Not so many will be aware that my family includes members who are suffering from mental illness: one cousin who suffered from schizophrenia and one with a bipolar disorder. Also, one of my mother’s sisters was stabbed to death by a schizophrenic at the age of 5. The man claimed the voices in his head had urged him to kill the child.
I am mentioning this to make it clear why PG’s latest post resonated with me and why I felt I had to share it here. PG is very bravely sharing some lessons he has learned from his painful recent experience of losing his son. Lessons that may be helpful to anyone else who knows people who are suffering from mental illness or who have lost a loved one.
PG’s Update
PG usually doesn’t share much in the way of personal information on TPV, but felt it might be beneficial to some visitors if he shared a few of the recent experiences he and Mrs. PG had experienced along with some lessons he learned.
About 2:30 AM on April 29,2017, two police officers knocked on the door of our home. They brought news that our 32-year-old son had committed suicide.
Our son had experienced mental illness, at first diagnosed as depression and later bipolar disorder, for about twenty years. Suicidal thoughts were part of his illness from the time he was twelve. He was extraordinarily intelligent and achieved some amazing accomplishments, but his illness seemed to intrude whenever things were looking the brightest for him.
Since that early morning visit, PG has learned that grieving has a physical as well as an emotional impact on him. Physically, he’s been getting sick with every virus or bacterium that comes around and feeling chronically exhausted. Generally speaking, PG is a bounce-back-from-problems kind of guy, but there was no bounce for several days. He is definitely improving, as is Mrs. PG, but still has a distance to go.
Two weeks after our son’s death, PG’s younger brother died in a distant state following an eight-month battle with brain cancer. PG made travel arrangements, but decided he just couldn’t make the trip at that particular time, something that’s never happened to him before.
A few lessons PG has learned:
– PG’s personal religious beliefs and Mrs. PG’s similar beliefs have been extraordinarily important to both of us during these experiences.
– Few people know what to say after a death, particularly a suicide, but saying exactly the right thing doesn’t matter as much as PG had previously believed.
– The support of others, expressed during visits and phone calls or via email, condolence cards or flowers, has been very important for both of us. The ability to articulate detailed comforting thoughts or theology is less important than simply letting someone know you’re sorry they’ve had a death in their family or among their friends and offering to help them in any way you can.
– PG is never going to decide he doesn’t know an acquaintance or friend well enough to avoid some sort of an engagement with that person after a death in their family. The kindness of others, expressed in any manner, is enormously important to the surviving family and friends.
– A great many decisions must be made quickly following the death of a family member – funeral arrangements (casket selection, services the funeral home will provide, embalming or not, etc., etc.), funeral service arrangements, selection of a burial location, notification of the date and location of the funeral communicated to family members and friends, etc. PG hadn’t gone through this process before and was not in the best condition to make such decisions in a hurry. A neighbor who had worked in a funeral home on a part-time basis while he was in college provided important counsel that made the process easier.
– PG and Mrs. PG have decided they will make each of these choices for themselves ahead of time, including selecting a funeral director, casket, gravesite, paying for it all, etc., so their family members won’t have to deal with this upon their deaths. Many of these decisions will affect the cost of these services and, PG believes, are better made before the emotions are at their height.
– PG forgot to notify a couple of relatives who should have received notifications in time to attend the funeral, so he’s putting together an email/phone list for future use.
– PG’s surviving son is handling the property, debts, etc., of his deceased brother with the assistance of a competent probate attorney. This is his way of serving his deceased brother and PG is extremely grateful for that assistance.
– Basically, once a probate case is opened with the appropriate court, you instruct all creditors to file their claims in probate court. Final tax returns will need to be filed. A leased vehicle is involved, so you tell the leasing company where the car is located so they can pick it up.
– You don’t want to start dividing property among the survivors until the creditors have filed their claims and you know whether the estate will have enough cash to pay all debts. It will take time, often several months, but the process is one that probate courts and probate attorneys do all the time so no one has to invent anything new.
– PG had forgotten that thieves sometimes visit the homes of surviving family members during the funeral, so he appreciated the offer of a neighbor to house-sit Casa PG while PG was attending the funeral.
– Some people don’t understand how mental illness can be a deadly disease. While most people don’t die from mental illness, unfortunately, suicide is the way mental illness usually claims its victims.
– While the various treatments PG’s son underwent ultimately were not effective in saving his life, the treatment of mental illness has improved immensely over the many years PG has dealt with the disease in his family. Many people who might have died twenty-five years ago are alive and well today because they received proper treatment. If you wish to support further research into more and better treatments for these diseases, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) is one organization that does very good work.
Being the recipient of the many and varied kindnesses of others during the most difficult time of his life has made a deep and lasting impression upon PG. He will never see or speak with those people again without remembering what they did to help him during this time.
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Thanks for sharing this sad post. I don’t know how anyone copes with the loss of a child. Love to PG and his family. Xxx
How terribly sad for PG the tragic loss of his son and then brother. My heart goes out to him and all those who struggle with fears of losing their loved ones to mental illness. There is so much awareness for people to learn more about mental illness but it seems medicine still has a long way to go. 🙂
I agree. In matters of the mind, science has only scratched the surface.
Sorry for your loss, PG. As someone who learned late in life that she had a mental illness, I will be forever grateful to those who stood by me and pulled me back from the brink of just utterly being lost. I couldn’t function, couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I was angry with those who helped me at the time but I came to see and love them that they’d withstood my attempts to deny what I was going through. I would not be here today if not for them. My children would have lost their mother. My faith holds me together day by day. Mental illness has been on my father’s side for generations. I pray that those in need seek help before it’s too late.
I second that prayer. Thank you, Traci!
You’re welcome, Nicholas!
I’m so sorry for your loss PG. I pray your grief will be eventually replaced with fond memories of your son.
Mental illness has touched my family too. It’s so important to support the caregivers who often live in a state of overwhelm, I wish PG and his family gentle days in which to recover and move forward.
Thanks for raising a good point, Veronica. It’s easy to forget the caretakers.
Mental illness and suicide have touched my family. My heart goes out to PG and all those who suffer from mental illnesses and those left to try and understand when loved ones take their own lives.
Thank you, Felicia.
Thank you for sharing this post. Mental illness needs to be explored more by those who haven’t had contact with it. Please pass on my condolences for their loss. x
So sad reading this, Nicholas.Loss of a family member to mental illness, suicide, dementia, or a sudden death stays in your thoughts forever. What PG learned from his son’s suicide was important to share for others going through the same experience. In psychiatry practice, loss was a predominant theme for my patients. Therapy helped, even years later. Short term medication sometimes for immediate relief of anxiety & depression. A strong faith in God, if there, carried some through the hard times. There will always be thoughts of what could I have done more for that person, even though everything humanly possible was done. Prayers & peaceful thoughts for PG, family, and anyone going through a traumatic time. Christine
Thank you, Christine!
Twenty years ago while living in Hawaii I lost my best friend and fiance to suicide. Perhaps the most gut wrenching experience of my life then and now. My heart goes out to PG and anyone else who has had to experience this tragedy. Thank you, Nicholas for posting such a poignant story. One of the ways I was able to get my own life back on track was by following the recommendation of a minister that I did not know well and did not attend his church. He was kind enough to step in and recommend an organization called “Survivor’s of Suicide” {www.survivorsofsuicide.com} which I credit for helping me, and countless others, with contacts, resources, introductions, etc. I encourage anyone facing such a heart breaking event to seek a support group. It is no time to try and ‘go-it-alone’.
I’m so sorry for your loss, Thom. I can only imagine what you must have been through. Thank you for sharing the link to Survivors. I hope it will be helpful to anyone suffering a similar loss.
There are no adequate words but be assured that my heart is with you all.
Thank you, Yvonne. Feel free to visit PG’s blog and share that.
A very moving story. PG was kind and generous to take the time to share this, and to provide such useful lessons that many of us have not yet learned the hard way, as he did. My condolences to PG and his whole family.
Thank you, Joy.
Bless you PG, thanks for sharing and I am so, so sorry. No platitudes are going to help so just thinking of you. It must be incredibly tough.
Both my parents have dementia. Diffrent sort of illness but yeh, this struck a chord with me too.
All the best,
MTM
I’m so sorry, Mary. Dementia is like a small, daily death. I only had the one grandmother who suffered from it, so I can only imagine how hard it must be.
I just try treasure the good days and make the most of their company as much as can.
Considering his recent sad loss, it is good of PG to share his thoughts and ideas with us.
Having experienced the death of two family members and two close friends in a short time, I was also aware of the need to offer support, and to attend the funerals. That support has to continue after the event too, so that the bereaved do not feel forgotten.
Best wishes, Pete.
Thank you for sharing that, Pete. I’m so sorry for your losses.
I’m not sure to whom I address my comments, it doesn’t matter. This is a subject matter that hits home with me. I lost my wife to suicide 36 years ago. As a result, I too went into deep depression and wanted to join her. I spent years in therapy fighting guilt, anxiety and depression. I came out of it a strong and positive individual. My heart breaks for PG and his wife. I have walked their road and have felt their pain. Yes there are many times just having someone listen means making it through the day. Yet, you as the individual have to reach deep and find the strength. I like PG, find my strength in my faith and had it not been for it, the process would had been much more difficult. When I accepted that God would not give me more than I could handle, then it made it easier to fight the daily battles. Nicholas, if you wrote this, thank you for sharing. To PG and his wife, I send my prayers for your strength. God Bless.
Thank you for sharing that, Chuck. I can’t imagine the ordeal you’ve been through and am amazed at your strength.
To clarify, I merely copied PG’s text and added my own comments at the beginning.
Again, thank you.
PG, there are no words to adequately express the sorrow in my heart. I walked the same path with our middle son nearly 13 years ago. The road ahead of you is not easy, but over time, you will learn to to adjust to your new “normal”. I am holding you and yours close to my heart and in my thoughts.