The Internet just got a little weirder for me, and on my birthday of all days (turning 46 today). So, I simply had to share.
I’m sure you’re as familiar with spam as I am.
I’m even more certain, that you enjoy it about as much as I do.
However, one does get used to it. I confess to even using it at times as an early-warning system for the health of my email: no spam for more than a couple of hours probably means that the server’s down.
As I regularly research marketing, most of my spam is of the “How I make over $3,647,453 per second with just my cell phone and a rubber band” variety. They usually have a subtitle like “People are getting paid gazillions of dollars just to look at porn and flick the rubber band on their privates” or something.
Speaking of porn, I also get the “Increase energy and gain more size” kind of emails. They have promised to increase my breast size (I think it’s fine just the way it is, thank you very much), or other parts of my anatomy. To make sure I understand how to use said parts of my anatomy, they often come with a title like, “Take your girl to heavens.”
I’d always assumed this was meant figuratively. Until now, that is. You see, I’ve just received a far more sinister kind of email. It starts with the following chilling words:
Do you want to hire a real assassin to kill your boss, wife, or some enemy?
Hire a hitman for only US $5000, or hire a gang member to beat up for $500 your cheating spouse, enemy or whoever you want.
If you have any questions, please contact us using the contact form on the [url] or email us on [email address].
Thanks and Best regards.
As surreal as that excerpt was, the actual email is pretty long, and includes detailed instructions on both their services and on how to discreetly reach them.
I can only assume that they’re mailing me because I’ve been researching poisons and various means of killing for Pearseus. Which makes me wonder: what is the Inbox of crime authors like my friend, Sue Coletta?
Come to think of it, I also wonder: what kinds of searches has the missus been running? Hmm…
That is almost spooky! Yes, google and the like seem to follow us like C.I.A. Happy belated birthday NIcholas. 🙂
Happy Birthday, Nick. I love spam in a can
Lol – beats spam in my inbox 😀
Hope you had a great day yesterday, Nick! I had to lose down my self hosted email account recently due to the amount of spam. There was so much, literally hundreds a day, that it was unworkable. But that one really is nasty. I hope it’s a hoax. And talking of searches, have you ever looked at the search terms which bring readers to your blog? Some of them are hilarious. The latest one which had me doubled over laughing was ‘what race is a little green ali with red hair?’ WTF? ?I got 2 views out of that one. Some searches have been quite pornographic, and I wonder how that could have led someone to my blog, never mind that they actually clicked through to it! ?
The searches are something we don’t really discuss around here, Ali. Let’s just say there seems to be plenty of interest in free sex short stories. Why that leads people over to my blog is anyone’s guess!
So, now you’ve piqued my interest: what race *is* a little green red-haired ali?
I have no idea, but if I ever find one I’m gonna pin him down till he tells me!
Happy Birthday Mr Rossis from me and all my characters x
Thank you! Do give Roxie my best; you know I’ve had a soft spot for her, ever since she visited my neck of the woods 🙂
Your comments always make me smile. Currently sat at a freezing cold train station and needed to smile! Happy Thursday
Aw, you 🙂
Think of Greek summers and leeeet the sun shine – leeeeet the sun shine. The suuuuuun shine iiiiin
Happy birthday, Nicholas. o_O I must have a great filter. Why don’t you as well? You’re with WordPress, right?
I do weird searches but other than Amazon trying to sell me things I’m only curious about (knock on wood), no porn, no easy money and no hit men for a long time.
Sounds great! That’s actually on my day job account, strangely enough. Hmm…
I see. Need some fixing then. 🙂
I think it’s the spammers that need the fixing, if you ask me…
BTW Happy Birthday to you Nicolas.
Now on the other matter. Did you really get an email for a hitman? Seem to me that should be a police matter.
Now for your birthday present I’m sending you a link to my Youtube song “Forever Walking”. This is my grandson taking his first steps. It maybe a few months early for you and your daughter but it will be happening to you soon. Happy Birthday and enjoy.
That is just perfect! Thank you so much 😀
Sweet to see them learn these things!
Can’t wait to see mine do that 🙂
You are just going to be blown away with joy.
Happy Birthday Nick!
I haven’t received any of emails as you describe. However, I do get constant pop-ups in Google for almost anything I research.
A sure sign that our other Big Brother (Big Business) is watching. 🙂
Sigh… They sure are 😀
I may have a warped sense of humour (in fact, I’m pretty sure I do), but I kinda want to get that email. 😀
Lol – happy to forward it to you 😀
If it’s not any trouble, I’d love to. My email appears in the comment info, right?
I looked everywhere, but can’t seem to find it. I’ll have another look in the morning, but I must have deleted it. Sorry 🙁
No problem, it’s not a big deal. 🙂 I probably shouldn’t comment my email on a post about spam. XD
Lol – at least you didn’t include the address in your comment 😀
I love how different the two services are. One is very professional and probably has a lot of discreetness. The hitman will make it look like an accident and never talk if captured. The gang member is basically the dumbest guy with a gun they can find and will rat you out for a slice of pizza. That’s if he doesn’t kill himself during the job in the first place. They could at least tell you the gang so you get a sense of professionalism from the guy.
Actually, they did. I left all that out, though. Don’t want to give you any ideas 😉
Like I could afford $500. 😛
Let alone $5K!
Seems like such an unattainable number some days.
Or years 😀
Oddly enough, I haven’t received the hit man emails. Perhaps they think I can manage on my own. LOL But I do get swamped with free weapons, psychics who predict my death if I don’t call NOW, and crime scene cleanup supplies/services. Though many times they confuse my browsing history for “dead body” with porn, so I get a lot of that too. LOL Thanks for the shout-out!
Obviously, I had to think of you… 😀
Psychics – I don’t get that. Nor the crime scene cleanup services!
I tend to get ‘Reverse Spam.’ The real Spam sneaks into my inbox, and emails and things I want to see get tucked into the Spam folder by mistake. Anyway, it’s your birthday, so none of that matters!
Have a great day, and enjoy every minute of it.
Best wishes, Pete.
Lol – reverse spam sucks 😀
Thank you, Pete 🙂
Happy Birthday to you! This spam you’ve received reminds me of how, in its own incestuous way, crime fiction has featured instances of crime-writers who are also the amateur detectives in a series, falling under suspicion because of their research into, purchase of, or knowledge of the action of, poison. I can only think at the moment of Harriet Vane and Jessica Fletcher, but I think there must be more. And in those days before the WWW allowed people to follow in your suspicious footsteps, it seems that every shop-keeper always remembered precise details of who bought what, when, to the infinite benefit of the Police!
Yes, it is all very self-referential. How much more postmodern can an author get?? 😀
Happy Birthday, Nicholas! I hope you’re having a lovely and relaxed day. And thanks for that laugh in the morning, what a great post.
Thank you! I’ll order off that hit on you.
Love it – I’ve researched how to poison people too, never got this, your research must have been closer to the bone!
Lol – yes, I must be doing something right 😀
Happy Birthday to you, dear Nicholas! LOL hahaha Gosh … I got to laugh on this one – really brilliant the way you write it. Yeah … it is odd really and also kind of annoying, terribly annoying to receive really stupid and even scarier Spams and but goodness it is easier to get rid of unwanted mails nowadays.
Speaking on spam, it was not so long ago when I received a spam mail on ‘Do you want Erotic Eater? Please watch!’ Of course, I didn’t. Just push it all into the BIN. But that same link was then showed in the Youtube where a fat woman over 300 kg sitting on her bed eating all kinds of food and showed the world how erotic it was??? What the … We are living in a very, very sick world, yes …
Anyway, I congratulate you once more and wish you all the beautiful things in life.
And loads of blessings and success, and love.
You rock, Nic!
Aw, thanks, Sherrie! Erotic eater – that’s a new one 😀
Happy Birthday Nicholas 😀 Lol, that’s some interesting spam you’ve been getting, Nicholas – I feel a little left out ’cause I actually rarely get any spam – my filter is a good one 🙂
Lol – I should probably upgrade mine 😀
Happiest Birthday ever new daddy! My son and his wife honeymooned in Hawaii and he sent me a can of Spam flavored macadamia nuts. They’re actually a thing over there. (Bleck!) That was one suspicious piece of spam. Maybe the cops are doing it as part of a sting operation.
Spam-flavored-macadamia nuts?? Oh, the humanity…
Happy Birthday Nicholas! I guess famous authors make good prospects for spammers, I would worry more about the “Increased size and Stamina” spams than the “Hire a Goon” ones: Spammers seem to think that you need “encouragement” to fullfil youe marital responsiblilities!!!!!
Lol – thanks buddy, and welcome to my blog. I wouldn’t worry too much; half of these mails are to increase the size of my boobs… as if they weren’t large enough as it is!
Happy Birthday, Nicholas! Someone might answer one of those emails and find a police detective or member of the FBI on their doorstep shortly thereafter. I believe it when I read that our email is being read by who knows who. Then there’s that joke that if you’re an author and aren’t on some government watch list, you’re doing it wrong. 😀 — Suzanne
Ha ha – hadn’t heard that one, but it makes perfect sense 😀
Happy Birthday Nicholas, I hope you have a fantastic day and the hitman (men?) son’t turn up too early. I told you not washing the pots would lead to problems.
Lol – should have listened to you, buddy 😀
I must have a good spam filter, Nicholas, because no hitmen are soliciting me for business. I do some pretty scary searches too. You’d think the woods behind my house is full of bodies and my barn stocked of strange weapons. Maybe they think I don’t need any help 😀
Happy Birthday to you!!!! ? ? ?
Ha ha – yes, that must be it 😀
First of all a very Happy Birthday…..and then secondly…oh my goodness…what depths can the scammers sink to!
My advice, ignore, and have a fabulous day….Janet:)xx
Lol – thanks for the advice. I have to ask: ignore, as opposed to…?
I know that scammers really get to me…I hate that they do, but they do…and so ignoring is much better for one’s general wellbeing:) Have a lovely day…Janet.
Especially when they come carrying big guns!
Nicholas, Happy Birthday!? Have a wonderful day! ?I feel left out…I don’t get such interesting spam! I’ve wondered what list I’m on though for researching Mossad (Israeli), FBI, sniper rifles and shooting through an apartment window. Such things for a movie script! ? Elizabeth ?
Lol – I’m sure it won’t be pretty when that spam finally hits your mailbox 😀