Found on funnyjunk.com
Encouraged by the success of her last guest post, Electra has decided to take over my blog once again. This time, she pokes fun at my (alleged) forgetfulness (I’ve already told you; stop encouraging her)!
So, allow me to present to you another guest post by Electra (and please read the following in a sweet female voice, with a hint of a French accent).
And don’t forget – For a few more days, The Power of Six will be on sale. Read seven short sci-fi stories for only 99c.
Are all Authors Forgetful?
Yes, I know this is such a cliché that you would never dare put a banal question like that in your books, but, honestly, it’s a legitimate one. Followed by whether forgetfulness is a prerequisite for becoming a writer. And, as a final one, if the sheer quantity of amnesia is a sign of an author’s writing skills.
Allow me to explain.
As you know, Nicholas writes. A lot. What you probably also know is that he has the memory of an amnesiac goldfish with Alzheimer’s (I think he has hinted at that in a few posts). In other words, he forgets. A lot.
Let me offer some examples.
A few days ago, Nicholas returned from an errand. He slipped into the room with a sheepish grin – instantly making me suspicious, since I know that look very well – and asked me in a very sweet voice if I remember how I had asked him to take the rubbish to the bin three days ago (note: the bin being up the road, if the bag is heavy we sometimes put it in the trunk of the car on our way out.)
You can probably see where the story is going. Yes, Nicholas put the bag in his car, totally forgot about it, and didn’t move his car for three days. When he did… well, no need to explain. Actually, there may be a need to explain: the trash included fish, sitting on a bed of decomposing flowers, sprinkled with mouldy jam and drizzled with a few drops of soured milk. You get the picture (I, on the other hand, got the smell).
Him being cheeky, he was telling me because he now needed to drive my car, as his was absolutely undriveable (new word here!). Not only that, but he also commented that had I not had fish that day, the garbage would not have been so stinky and we wouldn’t have had a problem. So, he argued, it was my mistake as much as his! Him forgetting the rubbish for three days in his car didn’t seem to be a problem. That’s almost to be expected nowadays!
Nicholas’ brain at work: “Ooh – ice cream!!”
To show you this is a recurring theme in our family, a couple of months ago I had given him a few things to take to our local church to give away to people in need. He drove there four times, always coming back with the things still in his trunk. His excuses were amazing: ‘but honey, I met this friend and we chatted for about an hour,’ or ‘but I brought ice cream’. In the end, I grabbed the things, shoved them into my trunk and drove them over.
You can see a pattern emerging, right? No wonder then that I’m wondering if all authors are forgetful.
I would even speculate that successful authors have to be absent-minded. In fact, I can imagine the exams of a college writing course.
Writing 101: The Art of Forgetting
Sample Questions:
- How long does it take to bake a pot roast?
Correct answer: I have never eaten a pot roast because I’m writing a book and I don’t pay attention to the pot roast cooking time.
Another good answer would be “as long as it takes to write the last chapter of my book”.
Wrong answer: about 2 hours.
- What’s your car’s license plates?
Correct answer: Ah, let me call my wife/husband/friend/ DMV/neighbour
Wrong answer: the actual license plates (yes, Nicholas turns to me with a goofy smile every single time someone asks that)
- What did you have yesterday for lunch?
Correct answer: Let me call my wife/husband/friend/colleague/local restaurant/neighbourhood deli to see if they remember
Wrong answer: chicken on a bed of Carnaroli rice, sprinkled with olives and drizzled with balsamic vinegar.
- Bonus question: what is your social security number?
Correct answer: Let me call my wife/husband/accountant/lawyer
Wrong answer: any correct sequence of 3 digits or more of your social security number.
Multitasking and Other Animals
You want another example? Nicholas multi-tasks, which is okay as long as one of the many tasks is not reading/writing/editing, because then, well, the rest of the tasks are quietly forgotten. So, it takes us about 2 hours to find the phone (usually swallowed whole by the sofa), another 30 minutes to locate misplaced socks (the cat has found them on its cushion and has instantly appropriated them), and the latest issue of the Economist is dozing off under a pile of new books, magazines and other things to be read, until rediscovered six months later (Nicholas was really excited the other day. He had just discovered that Germany had won the World Cup. In June. But his sports prowess will have to be the subject of a future post).
At this point, I have to mention something: guys, I know that multitasking is really tough for you. Science has proven it and it’s very hard to defy science: you are great at visualizing shapes and mentally measuring distances, which comes in handy when we are buying houses or trying to see if the car fits in the parking space. Women, on the other hand, are excellent at successful multitasking, which means we can talk on the phone with a client while at the same time telling you the bank account number –it happened this week, so I speak from experience. Anyway, let’s just agree that you are genetically disadvantaged with multitasking, which makes it even worse when one of the tasks involves writing.
In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I, too, sometimes forget. I have once (or twice, as a matter of fact) forgotten our house keys on the door (on the outside, obviously) and blissfully gone to bed. The next morning, I woke up, got the dog and frantically looked for my keys. The dog was throwing me desperate looks and begging jabs, while I was searching the whole house to find them. I eventually opened the door, having decided that Nicholas must have done something with the keys –by which time the dog was seconds away from peeing in the house- only to find them on the door. You should have seen the grin on Nicholas’ face: utter satisfaction! Thankfully, we were not robbed.
Anyway, to sum up my little rant, since Nicholas picked up writing, I have drawn four distinct conclusions:
- Authors are forgetful, and we should get used to that.
- Men don’t multitask successfully and they should get used to that.
- If you’re a thief, don’t steal an author’s car. It won’t smell very nice.
- You should, however, look for an authors’ home to rob. Even if the author hasn’t left a window open, his/her wife/husband is bound to have forgotten the keys on the door! Yes, it seems that forgetfulness can be contagious…
Yes, I notice I have a bad memory sometimes.
As a friend of mine who I went to University with once told me, “I think we’ve reached the age where premature senility isn’t so premature anymore.”
Lol–tell me about it 😀
If being forgetful is a writer stereotype, I fit it perfectly. However, I don’t fit the stereotype of a multitasking woman. I need to focus on one thing at a time or chaos ensues.
The trick is to increment said focus. The smaller the increment, the more it resembles multi-focus 🙂
Another delghtful post, Electra, well done! However, the way I see it, forgetfulness applies simply to some married men rather than writers. They simply learn in time to rely to their wives’ strong ability on this score. You described my life with my husband to a tee. Andy doesn’t even remember his own mobile number and I’ve had to add it to his phonebook so that he can give it out to people. Nuff said 🙂 As for the lack of ability for multitasking, let’s not even go there! LOL
Admit it: Andy’s the real author, he’s just too embarrassed to admit he loves romance! 😀
You could be right. He has one heck of a sense of humor and he’d be good if he wrote I think. I don’t think he has a problem admitting he enjoys romance though, and he luuurves chick-lit!!! What can I say? I married a guy with a strong feminine side, LOL
Hey, we’re the best kind! 😀
It’s always nice to hear Electra’s point of view on the life of a writer. I found it amusing and entertaining, although I’d be more inclined to say that it is the male species in particular who doesn’t function well at multi-tasking, more of a multi-lacking feature. So I wouldn’t classify it as a writer thing. As writers we are so busy in our writing world and trying to do real life that naturally, things will fall by the wayside. I am a memoir writer and if I was such a forgetful author, I would be in big trouble! 🙂
Lol- I can imagine: “She stormed into the building. Not quite sure which one, but it was tall. I think. Into the tall building, then.” 😀
Oh, Nicholas! You left fish in your car for three days and then blamed it on your wife’s choice of meals? Bad, bad, bad! But hysterically funny! 😀 I enjoyed Electra’s post tremendously.
Hanging head in shame…
😀
BUT… brains have only so much bandwidth, so when one is following their dreams, achieving their goals and being productive, only the most important tasks are able to be computed at any given time. Ability to focus is essential to success… it can be argued that these are examples of a well focussed brain.
Right?
Of course I am right!
This isn’t a set of excuses based on the fact I have no idea what my mobile phone number is.
No, not at all! 😉
In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, “Every time I learn something new, it pushes the old stuff out of my brain!” 😀
https://forums.oneplus.net/attachments/simpsonsgif-gif.22271
BTW, I still have to learn Electra’s mobile number… 🙁
Very funny and yet I can relate! ;D
What do you mean? The whole post is clearly a work of fiction. :b
Of course it is ;D
I remember more about my meals than most authors, clearly, but otherwise I tick all the boxes. Especially the numbers one and the multitasking, which I should be able to do because I’m a girl. Also I live and die by the pinger so yes, everything I cook has to be something that takes half an hour to prepare and can then just sit in the oven…until the bell rings and it’s time to check it or take it out. Although I have forgotten to put the casserole actually in the oven and, instead, have left it sitting on the hob for two hours while the oven chugs away doing nothing.
I guess most of us authors fail to live in the Real World full time.
Cheers
MTM
Lol – Your understanding is much appreciated… 😀
Yeh… I live that life. Although I like to think I might have noticed the smell of the trash after it had been baking in the Greek September sun for three days. 😉
Cheers
MTM
I DID notice it! It’s not my fault that I hadn’t used the car in three days! 😀
(Okay, I guess it kinda is my fault for being a lazy bum who leaves his wife to run the errands, but you know what I mean)
I’ll second (third, fourth) this: start a blog! Very entertaining.
And I keep telling you, don’t encourage her! No one wants to read about my forgetfulness, right? RIGHT??
Priceless 😀
I can confirm that authors absentmindedness extends to sending ALL the information listed in submissions guidelines for Guest Articles on blogs 😀 😀 😀
Why Sir, I’m sure I have no idea what you’re referring to! 😀
😀 😀 😀
Electra, you crack me up! I agree with everyone else–start a blog! Your insights into human nature are funny and spot on. My husband is forgetful, too, but he’s not a writer, he’s an engineer. Recently, he forgot to take his wallet with him when he went shopping and realized it only when he was checking out. Fortunately, our daughter offered to be a hostage while he ran home to get said forgotten item.
I have to point out that a forgetful engineer sounds rather more terrifying than a forgetful author! 😀
Actually he never forgets all the engineering stuff. It’s everything else that’s hit or miss.
I’m a female author, but I’m not especially forgetful. I also am no good at multitasking, I fear. So I guess I don’t fit the criteria
I’ll share an anecdote about a boss I once had. He was one of my favorite people, but he was rather forgetful (he wasn’t a writer, btw, although his wife was). One day he had been at a meeting and he was standing at my desk talking to me. He had a legal pad under his arm and at one point he moved his arm and the pad fell to the floor. He looked down at it befuddled. I said, “You dropped that legal pad out from under your arm.” He looked at me and said, “I had a legal pad under my arm?”
Lol – that’s weird, I don’t remember ever employing you, but that could so have been me. Mind you, I probably wouldn’t remember, would I? 😀
Ha, ha! Probably not! 😀
Just the thought of that smell is making me cringe. Sounds like the car needed an exorcist to get rid of the stench.
As for the forgetfulness and multi-tasking, I think my wife and I have our genders mixed up after reading this. She’s the forgetful, absorbed by scrapbooking/shiny objects/lost the list to help her remember stuff. Then again, she has ADD and that kind of forces me to step up my game. On the other hand, she remembers numbers so much better than me that I always have to ask her about that stuff. Finding the 5-year-old and charging the cellphone? I think I’d need a neon sign to turn on to give the poor thing a fighting chance.
An exorcist – now that’s a great idea (he said as he put the flame thrower down). I thought I’d have to burn the thing down – ten days later I still can’t get rid of the stench!!!
I’m thinking of stapling Post-its on my forehead. That might work.
Geez. Maybe fill the car with air fresheners and leave it alone for a day? I’d say Febreeze, but that stuff can smell pretty horrid itself.
Careful with the stapling. You can’t see stuff on your own forehead, so you’d need a mirror to help too.
Hmm… True enough. What if I staple the post-it at the end of a rod attached to my head? I’m reminded of the old “carrot in front of a horse” trick here 😀
That’s what I was thinking of too. 🙂
I have to say how much I enjoyed your post, Electra. 🙂 So entertaining and us writers are always forgetful. We have so much going on in our brain, some things like garbage for the bin gets tossed aside. 🙂 At least Nicholas has you to keep him in line. 🙂 Happy Sunday!
Don’t encourage her! No one wants to read anecdotes about me and my forgetfulness, right? RIGHT??
Ah… but I’m a woman writer and forgetful, yet I can still multi-task! I have to, cos this home and family dont look after itself! And if I couldnt multi-task, I’d never find the time for writing as well. As my husband says, no one will notice when I get old and develop Altheimers because my memory is already that bad. Now… where did I leave my laptop?… I know it’s around here somewhere…
You mean the laptop you’re typing on? Hmm… 😀
No one will notice our Alzheimer’s – now there’s a silver lining I hadn’t thought of!
Hi Electra,
Thank you for such an interesting post. You really should start a blog and it seems you have the perfect theme going here. This was hilarious, especially the part about the garbage. I loved every word.
Ahem – as the subject of her theme, I have to point out that no one wants to read about my forgetfulness. Right? 😀
Haha!
Electra …. please do start a blog on Nicolas! It is entertaining. 🙂 and Nicolas… I am sorry but your stories are hilarious especially the garbage thing!
A… whole… blog… filled with anecdotes… on me!!! Nah, I’m sure no one would want to read that! 😀
I will Nicolas! and you never know ..it may prove a hit. 🙂
That’s what I’m afraid of! 😀
Oh! Now she must really do that. 😀
You know you have a mean streak in you, right? 😀
Hahahaaaa… I kind of feel that now. 😀 Oh no…nothing like that. Just that, I enjoy listening to (actually reading) your stories from her.
Hi Electra,
Good to read your words again. As a female writer, I must disagree that ‘forgetfulness is a prerequisite for becoming a writer’. I believe it’s the combination of being both a male (emphasis on male) and a writer. Men are inclined. especially writers probably, not to waste thougthts on trivialities such as getting rid of garbage. They spend every moment inside their heads developing the characters for their new novel.
I have much to say on the role of females in our society, but that’s not the topic of this discussion.
Juliet
Hello Juliet,
Nicholas was always forgetful so becoming a writer made things worse! Actually, I’m grateful because he remembers the important stuff like my birthday and meaningful dates, so I don’t complain too much. It’s just that his car still stinks of fish and he keeps taking mine…
It’s what I’ve always said, men are next to ruddy useless at anything worthwhile. At leas your Nicholas has his head safely in the clouds with his authoring though. My Raymond was usually fiddling with a less thoughtful part of his body in the garden shed, gawping at them magazines he thought I didn’t know about.
Oh! Erm… Okay… (steps back slowly, bolts out of the room)
BTW, I just read your kind review on amazon.co.uk for The Power of Six. Thank you so much! Many thanks to your nephew for helping with the typing and everything, too! 🙂
We both enjoyed reading it.
I am scared to turn my blog over to the rocket scientist. Even though he can’t boil water, cook anything but microwavable pizza, and knows not how to fold a shirt, he knows all my dirty little secrets. Peace be with you, Electra 🙂
You are a wise woman! Sadly, I’m an unwise man who can’t say no to his wife… 😀
very interesting. You have great points and factors in your blog.
Thanks, glad you enjoyed the post 🙂